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"Bumple Crumple" by David Lopez There once was a very poor farmer. One day on the way to the market, he ran into the king. Wanting to impress him, he started a conversation. The king was not amused in this game, and he turned to leave. Seeing the golden opportunity the farmer tried one final time to impress the king. “I have a daughter who can weave onions into Funions,” he causally stated. “Bring her to me at once and we’ll see about her outlandish skill,” said the king. The farmer trudged home and fetched the daughter. She was out in the lawn picking grubs for supper. He hastily grabbed her arm and tugged, to get her going. Once they reached the castle, the daughter, Ann, was taken to a room filled with onions. “Spin these onions into Funions by tomorrow, or I’ll duct tape you to the wall,” the king snarled. Alas, the daughter didn’t know how to spin onions into Funions, and the following morning she was duct taped to the wall. The next day she was thrown back into the room. Not wanting to be taped again, she tried to weave the onions, but she was without luck, and she started to cry. Just as these first tears rolled down her face a tiny chipmunk danced into the room. “What’s up with you?” he rudely asked. “I have to spin all these onions into Funions or I’ll be duct taped to the wall again.” Ann whined. “Anyone can do that! What will you give me if I do it for you?” he questioned. Ann reached into her pocket and retrieved a large taffy. “No problem, ma’am!” the chipmunk chirped, and he began to weave.
The next day the king strolled to the room that imprisoned Ann. When he saw the room filled with Funions he was jubilant. He ordered all the onions in the land to be put into the Great Hall. When Ann awoke, she was in a huge room, surrounded by onions. The door swing open and the king appeared with a rather large roll of duct tape. “Spin all these onions into Funions by noon, or you’ll get the treatment again,” he spoke, playing with the tape in his hands. As soon as the king had left, Ann called for the chipmunk. “I need your help again,” she pleaded. “Can’t you see that my paw is cramping up?”
In the end he agreed to help her when she threatened to give him “The Beat Down”. The king was overjoyed and he showed the girl an even larger room filled with onions. A little later on, she was visited by the king. “If you spin these onions into Funions, you shall become my wife,” he informed her.
As she sat down to cry, the tiny chipmunk visited her another time. “What kind of sadist expects you to spin onions into Funions?” he said chucking his thumb towards the door the king had exited from. “You know the drill,” she said. “And if I do, and you become queen, you must give me your first born child,” he demanded. “But isn’t that copyrighted?” Ann asked. “Oh yeah,” said the chipmunk. “But you must give me your bling-bling if you do not want to be duct taped to the wall again,” he said. And with that said, he got to work and finished in an hour. He couldn’t take her bling, for he had received a near-lethal rope burn while spinning all those onions.
When the chipmunk arrived at the cell the next morning to pick up his bling, he saw Ann on the ground. “Get up, you pansy,” he said kicking her, “thanks to you I now have carpal tunnel syndrome.”
When she had to hand over her bling she moaned so hard, the chipmunk felt sympathy for her. “If you can guess my screen name in three days than you shall keep your bling,” he said jumping out the door. The following day, Ann asked the chipmunk all the screen names she knew, but after every name his reply was: “No, that is not my screen name.” The next day queen-to-be Ann ordered some servants to hack into the AOL database and find the chipmunk’s screen name. But, once again they were without success and the chipmunk bounced around the room saying:
“That is not my screen name,”
The distressed Ann threw such a fit that she broke the king’s TV, but she ran out of the castle, before the king could grab any duct tape. She ran to the new Famous Barr. As she stepped in, she heard a squeaky voice chanting.
And right there before her eyes, was the tiny chipmunk! Ann rushed home and wrote the name down. The next day Bumple Crumple danced into the room. Ann, took her time in guessing, this time, for she knew her bling was not at stake. After some stalling she finally spoke: “Your screen name can’t be Bumple Crumple can it?” Bumple froze in terror. “How did you know?” he screamed kicking her bed. Bumple Crumple pouted and pouted. He kicked everything in sight. Then he ran to the other side of the room, to get a running start. He leaped into the air and got major hang time. He then mightily extended his tiny foot and kicked with so much power that he kicked himself into the wall. Ann peered into the rather large hole that that Bumple had created but he wasn’t there. All that was in there was some smoldering fur, and a taffy wrapper. The chipmunk was never seen again, and Ann lived happily ever after.
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