"Claus-Trophobia" by Emmy Potter

Santa Claus is the jolliest man on earth. He visits all the houses in the world, goes down the chimney, leaves toys for the good little girls and boys, and returns to the North Pole. Everyone has heard of him, and everyone knows about his very important job, but did you know that Santa has a dark secret? You probably haven’t heard about it until now. They try extremely hard to keep Santa’s deep secrets hush-hush here at the North Pole. Mrs. Claus didn’t even know about it until she married Nick.

Holly Ivy’s my name and as an elf, I’m not even supposed to know, but I overheard a part of a secret conversation while I was making Survivor Barbies. Naturally, when you overhear something, you’re not really paying attention to what you’re doing, which is why my last batch of Survivor Barbies were all missing legs. Anyway, back to the main topic, which was...? Oh yeah, Santa’s little secret.

When Nick was a little boy, he played games and went to school, just like you youngsters. His school wasn’t really like your school. Yeah,he learned the alphabet (he has to know it to be able to keep track of all those names), math, history, blah, blah, blah. He also learned the art of being constantly jolly and how to covertly sneak into strangers’ homes, leave items, and then covertly sneak back out. Basically, Santa learned how to be a felon, kids. Okay, not a real felon, but you get the idea.

Santa did well on all of his NO-PO (North-Pole) aptitude tests except for “Chimney Maneuvers.” He flunked it. You heard me correctly. Nick flunked the “Chimney Maneuvers” portion of the test. He simply refused to go down the chimney.

“No! It’s too dark, small, and tight! I won’t do it!” he screamed at his instructor.

In fact, Nick flunked his “Chimney Maneuvers” portion of the NO-PO’s every year for 10 years. His instructors were exhausted. They’d had enough. Nick had aced every other part of his NO-PO’s except for “Chimney Maneuvers.” Something had to be done. Nick’s instructors decided to take him to a specialist on the eastern side of the North Pole when he was eleven years old.

“Tut, tut, tut,” said the doctor looking Nick over, “you have a problem in your head.”

“What kind of a problem?” asked Nick looking curiously at Dr. Noel.

Dr. Noel looked directly at Nick and asked, “Are you afraid of small spaces?”

Nick nodded. Dr. Noel nodded back. He gave Nick a candy cane and sent him on his way. He needed time to think about his condition.

“Odd, very odd.” said the doctor, deep in thought. He had heard of people like Nick before, but no one had yet given the condition a name. Dr. Noel asked Nick to visit him again the following week.

“Tell me about your life up to this point.” commanded the doctor.

Nick told his entire life story. He talked about his years spent learning about the world and playing in the snow with his friends. He talked about his adventures in New York City and FAO Schwartz (the largest toy store in the world) where he had once been locked inside a play house by accident for six hours.

“STOP!” yelled the doctor.

Nick stopped, curious.

“We have found the answer to why you fear small places!” Dr. Noel yelled in triumph.

Nick asked, “What answer is that?”

“The incident inside FAO Schwartz was very emotional and scary, yes?” asked Dr. Noel.

“Yes. It was very scary. I had to wait for someone to come and get me out.” Nick replied with a shudder.

Dr. Noel had finally made some progress. He realized that the answer to Santa’s problem lay before him. He knew what needed to be done to cure Nick.

“You must go to this FAO Schwartz in New York City and be locked inside a play house on purpose. It is the only way to undo the mental anguish the experience left you with.” Dr. Noel said matter-of-factly.

Nick didn’t want to go, but if it was the only way for him to be able to pass his NO-PO “Chimney Maneuvers,” he would do it. After all, children would be depending on him in a couple of years, and that meant he would have to climb down a chimney to give them their presents. He couldn’t let the children down. Nick gathered up his belongings in his sleigh and flew to New York City the same night.

After visiting the polar bears in the Central Park Zoo, Nick headed up Fifth Avenue to FAO Schwartz, crawled inside a playhouse on the third floor, and locked himself inside. Now all he could do was wait. He had to stay inside long enough to prove to himself that it wasn’t so scary. He had to prove someone would help him if he needed it.

Three hours passed, and Nick felt fine. By the time hour number five had passed, Nick was getting apprehensive. Only one more hour he thought. Finally, six hours had passed, and Nick called for help. A security guard immediately rushed over and let Nick out.

Nick flew back to the North Pole and headed straight for the place where they tested “Chimney Maneuvers.” Nick went down and back up the chimney without a hitch. His instructors looked at him in awe.

“Well Nick, you passed! Congratulations.” said one of the instructors still amazed by Santa’s determination.

Dr. Noel came to see Nick the next day and congratulated him.

“I have decided that the name for your ex-condition should be named after you. We shall call it ‘Claus-trophobia.’ A good name, yes?” he asked.

Nick laughed.

That, my little friends, is Santa’s dark secret. Santa once suffered from claustrophobia. Who would have ever thought? Well, I have to go. Christmas Eve isn’t far off, and I have to finish those Survivor Barbies. Merry Christmas!

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